Dr. Princess Olufemi-Kayode, Executive Director, Media Concern Initiative, explains to NKRUMAH BANKONG-OBI why domestic violence is prevalent in the society
? Olufemi-Kayode
You mentioned emotions in general terms. What are the causes of violence in the home, between couples or lovers?
As a professional, I believe we are looking into love issues in our own country, in the context of the African culture. You have lots of issues of communication breakdown. We rarely communicate here. A man has issues he doesn?t communicate, a woman has issues she is not pleased with, she can?t speak up, regardless of her education. That means that you even have some who are judges, who still get slapped around, they come and pose and put on big sunglasses. A lot of this happens. It is not only the local woman that is being battered. You find out that those ones are a bit vocal, they come to court and say: ?he beats me too much, I?m tired?. It?s like the better educated you are, the more difficult it is to speak up. And we are also looking at society?s perception.
We have a belief about marriage, that if you are not married, there is something wrong with you; either you are loose or something. There are so many things that put a woman in a funny situation. Now, when a man has anger issues, some of them progress with it as children. Actually some people know their children have anger issues, but they don?t see it as a disorder; we don?t see disability in these things. And then, they grow up to the point they begin to hit a woman. The reason why it is called violence is because it leads to death. But you don?t need to hit somebody to death before something is done. Many women have died, some are carrying internal wounds and have resigned to fate, saying: ?That is how life is; who do I go and complain to? Who is going to take me in?? You are looking at issues of finance, social welfare; who is going to take care of who? It?s not our state?s concern. If you go to the state, they send you back home. If you go to your family, they send you back to your husband?s house. So, there are many things that keep women in violent homes.
Parents can start, and we can actually solve those problems. When you begin to have communication issues, we need to deal with it, we need to see a guidance counsellor or a marriage counsellor. But we don?t do that here.
Is it true to say that women are on the defensive side of domestic violence? The reason I ask is that I have seen cases of men suffering under women?
We have more battered women, in terms of the gender equation. A man can be battered by his wife. It happens to many men, too.
Some societies have laws like the Clare?s and Sarah?s laws in England and Wales, that provide for intending couples to have a personality understanding of their spouse, before getting involved in marriage or relationship. Do you think that such laws can work in a society like ours?
Even in societies where they have those laws, they still have battery. What works so far is checking medical history. It is basically individuals getting to understand the issues that ?because I meet a fine man doesn?t mean that he doesn?t have issues?. In the relationship, you begin to see that the signs are always there.
We are even talking of the law that would protect you if you have been beaten. We are picking a bit of those gender-based issues, taking our time and coming up with something, like Lagos State. Some states use the federal laws. But how do we implement them? The law enforcers and the lawmakers appear to have no correlation. They are not aware that there is a domestic violence law and what they need to do with it. There needs to be a lot of education on both sides. If I walk to a police station now and say I have just been beaten by my partner, they will tell me to go back home or they will try to bring in the man to try to mediate. If you go to the Social Welfare Centre, they want to mediate. If you go to other agencies of justice, they want to mediate. Mostly, the women really just want the men to stop beating them, not that they want to divorce their husbands. Seriously, majority of them just want the beating to stop.
You said there is a disjoint between the lawmakers, the law enforcers and the society in general. In the absence of cohesion, what is the future like for battered people and for those who are gradually walking into it?
One basically thinks there needs to be a lot more of education for singles, for lawmakers and for the law enforcers. Education is encompassing. Apart from understanding the law, they need to understand the issue. I?ll give you an example. A woman came to us and complained: ?I?m pregnant and my husband is not even doing anything.? I asked what happened? She said: ?I?m separated from him, I moved the kids away from him based on some issues of domestic violence; he came back to beg and on one of such occasions, he slept with me and I got pregnant. Since I got pregnant I told him and he was coming once a while and I have children only through Caesarean Section.? She had three children, but she lost one. She had all of them by Caesarean. We were able to get the man to beg him. We had to go to his office, he was a media professional. We wrote to the Managing Director of his organisation, so as to be able to have access to him. We put pictures of their wedding so that there was something to show that he was her husband and there was no divorce. We packed everything and said: ?On humanity grounds, come and see this woman; she is due to be delivered of her baby.? They had a special hospital that had been taking care of them. Finally, he showed up. When they were talking, you needed to see them. If you had not met the woman before, you wouldn?t believe her. If you were somebody who was not working in that area, you may want to kill the woman for lying against him. They will tell you: ?I love my wife, the day she left was the day I died.? These men look very responsible. They say: ?She is the only one in my life, she is this, she is that.? When that man finished, she said: ?Okay, I will see what we can do.? But it was Media Concern Initiative that raised the money for her operation because if she had started labour here, there would have been chaos.
Some men don?t beat their wives, what they do is emotional abuse. They say things like ?You are not good.? ?Is it because I married you?? And women become like objects.
There are rural areas where these things happen but they are not reported.
Yes, because it is part of our lives. That is how we do it. We don?t know any better.
What are agencies such as yours doing for people who are suffering in the dark?
All over the country, there are people who are working. But you must note that in our country, civil societies are not supported by the government, whereas that is done in other countries through allocation to support NGOs engaged in social work. They like what we do, but do not support us financially. There are other social issues in the country. As long as those things are not addressed, there will continue to be attacks. We are rearing children and when they finish schooling, there are no jobs. What do you expect them to do? It?s either they molest whoever they find or pick up a girlfriend and slap her around. You go to work, return at 10 pm and you still have to wake up at 5 am; you don?t rest. Now, if you have a wife or you are cohabiting, she is the one who takes the resultant anger.
Are you saying in a nutshell that majority of those who indulge in this act are depressed?
Yes. They are. There are problems with such people. All they need is therapy. He needs a person to whom he can open up about his problem without being intimidated or losing his self-esteem.
What do you tell people who have fallen victim already?
Just walk out of the relationship. The reason I?m asking the person to walk out is not to destroy the marriage. It?s because I don?t want people to die. They can say: ?He has not hit me up to that level.? But he has hit you until your head got battered, until it was stitched. What kind of argument did you have to make someone hit you to a point where they will stitch your head? The next time you might receive a knock and you probably won?t come out of it alive. The children you are waiting for, are they better off with a mother who is alive but not at home or the one that is dead?
We have had cases of acid baths and even voodoo reported. Are these also domestic violence?
That is at the height of it, particularly acid bath. The person that pours acid or hot water on you, or throws you down from the staircase, must have shown signs of what he can do while you were courting.
What should people who walk out of faulty relationships, yet are being stalked, do?
Make a report to the appropriate authority. The signs are clear because stalkers don?t just begin to do odd things. Excessive jealousy?they want to have you all to themselves even before marriage.
Tags:? couples, domestic violence, emotions, lovers, Media Concern Initiative
Source: http://thenewsafrica.com/2012/03/12/women-should-quit-abusive-relationships/
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